Not star in.  I want to watch.  Lord help me I'll watch.

Lest y’all think we jest, I actually do have not one but three original ideas that would indeed go there. Not really porn by definition in the prurient sense, but maybe “porn adjacent” in the graphic sense. It’s unlikely the average porndog will be inspired to rub one out to them. They’re more like porno comedy. I’d be a fool to not solicit Rock’s expert knowledge with respect to these ideas. But I’ll come back to those…   

...........

What I have for you today is a twisted comedy about a second–rate con artist who gets in over his head by starting a religious cult. He’s a would–be L. Ron Hubbard but with less competence and worse luck. If you imagine a comical version of the events detailed in Wild Wild Country, you’ve got the idea. I envision the con-man being played by Jack Black, but that’s negotiable. Anyway… 
 

Episode 1: We meet our guy, we’ll just call him Bernie until we give him a better name, a common unprincipled 2-bit schemer, ducking creditors, maybe ducking divorce papers and child support as well, chronically trying to pull a fast one for leniency or a free lunch, subsisting from one petty scam to the next. But today he’s gonna have one of those “epiphany from a tv behind the bar” moments. He’s halfway through his beer when a tv broadcast reports on a multi–billion dollar religious cult that’s been committing large–scale fraud with impunity. Judging from the report, somebody’s in deep shit, but that’s not important. Bernie sees dollar signs. He leaves the bar with pep in his step. Maybe he even leaves a tip. A pittance, but a tip nonetheless, something notably out–of–character, judging by the bartender’s reaction. 

Episode 2: The ol’ “going–into–business” scenario. Dead ends, humiliations, ups/downs, frustrations, etc, as he tries to formulate his plan and get his idea off the ground, all while continuing to duck and dodge creditors and lawyers. At the end of the episode, and of course when all seems hopeless, he scores his first convert. I’m thinking it’s a half–fried street druggie who’s given to falling for most anything with a mystical or conspiratorial essence. Regardless, now Bernie's got his first loyal minion.    

Episode 3: The seed takes root. Now they are two, soon they are four, etc., From disheveled to groomed, from humble gathering spots to more respectable–looking digs, from bathrobe shaman to cheap suit guru, from a handful of gullible followers to a modest congregation. He continues to refine his techniques, employing all the common cult paraphernalia to mystify prospective devotees and converts: spiked punch, smoke and mirrors, chimes and incense, absurd initiation rituals, arbitrary sources of divination, divulgence of deep personal secrets, sexual exploitation, ranks and levels of devotees, and the core ingredient: the initiates’ own expectations of finding what they seek. So it doesn’t matter that his skills as a charlatan are second–rate at best, because those who come to him already want to believe.

Episode 4: Success. Lord Bernie, Messiah, Savior, Benevolent Master of the New Metaphysical Universe, rules in decadent luxury, atop an elaborate social order, a multi–tiered pyramid of levels, sorted by dress codes, varied freedoms of movement, from the most anointed disciples down to the menial ranks of the hitherto not–yet enlightened. In his new greatness, he now gains fame, mingles with social elites, and nets followers of ever–increasing stature and wealth, each in turn lending more credibility, leading to bigger and bigger fish. Yachts, private islands, suckin and fuckin as far as the eye can see. Detractors are easily silenced. And now, one of his most important converts enters the scene. Beaming wide–eyed, devout, and ever–so willing, this will be his Ma Anand Sheela, who will rise in ranks, gain his favor, and make herself indispensable to him…

Episode 5: We’ll call her Khlamydia for now. She rapidly ascends to the Machiavellian position as his unofficial second–in command, handling the business and managing the cult’s ever–expanding affairs, all the while playing the loyal subordinate and steadfast devotee. Confident in his faithful servants, Lord Bernie drifts steadily deeper into the haze of decadence, excess and blissful ignorance. 

Episode 6: Things spin out–of control. Under the new unofficial leader’s guidance, the temple estate, which has now expanded into a self–governing municipality, gradually takes on the characteristics of a fortified compound. Sinister elements become commonplace, exploitation becomes more severe, friction with neighboring towns turns to hostility, and federal scrutiny bears down. 

Episode 7: Finally, as the insanity becomes too evident to ignore, our con–man realizes the seriousness of the situation and tries in vain to put the genie back in the bottle. He’s ensnared at every turn by legal and criminal troubles. Various federal agencies tighten their grip. He’s lost track of finances, he’s being called in for questioning, losing public face, shrinking from view, getting kidnapped, running to authorities, many of whom are now compromised under his church’s influence, attempting to redirect the course of the cult’s dogma, and finally appealing directly to his followers to abandon the cult and think for themselves, to no avail. To them its just another part of his great teachings. And our Machiavellian Khlamydia behind the scenes recognizes it is time to strike.

Episode 8: Coup de Culte. Khlamydia turns the congregation against him. Factions form, gloves come off, points of no return are crossed. Meanwhile the cult’s various outside enemies, including feds, neighboring towns, Christian organizations, defrauded investors, mobsters, drug cartels, estranged family members, and every jaded individual ever wronged in the course of Bernie’s ascent, all finalize their own attack plans.       

Episode 9. Civil War. Mayhem descends on the temple grounds from every direction. All hell breaks loose, sky filled with smoke. Loyalists, rebels, mobsters, feds, enraged citizens, many deranged on psychotropics, many more on raw fanaticism, and all armed to the teeth. Carnage! Amid the pandemonium, we find a panicked half–dressed Bernie in his royal chamber, frantically stuffing the proverbial suitcase… of course it’ll be something funnier than a suitcase... plenty of options; this is just a synopsis. In goes cash, jewelry, deeds, titles, offshore accounts, fabergé egg…  

Episode 10. Revelation. Picking up where we left off: Bernie finishes packing for his quick getaway as the fighting still rages outside. He makes for the exit, rushing through one great luxuriant hall after another, but he is stopped in his tracks by a vision: An angel appears before him! An angel engulfed in blinding holy radiance! Bernie drops to his knees in breathless repentance, blubbers confessions and begs for forgiveness. Enrapt by the heavenly apparition, he drops what he is carrying, surrendering his material possessions, abandoning his ill–gotten gains, renouncing his carnal shame. Thus cleansed, he rises and walks from the compound, half clothed, dazed, amid the dead and dying and bullets still flying, somehow miraculously undetected by the countless enemies hungry for his head. Nevertheless, he now faces prison, insurmountable debt, the wrath of the underworld, and a backlog of still–unpaid child support. He’s more fucked than when he started. In the final scene, we see Khlamydia with Bernie's suitcase and a wadded–up angel costume. She's preparing to board a jet, or perhaps a ship or a private yacht, but in any case riding off to a life of luxury.


I have to credit Danny Limor with the apparition idea; when I told him this story he proposed that Jesus would appear to Bernie. 

Last edited by Rampop II (1/28/2023 7:53 am)

Jinnistan wrote:

. 

Let's start with prime offender Tim Burton.  Let's compel him to make a true-faith adaptation of Stephen King's Lawnmower Man..
 

🤣
Tim Burton’s Lawnmower Man!
I would definitely want to see that.
“Mandatory community service” LOL

I definitely want a proper adaptation of The Lawnmower Man. But definitely not Tim Burton

Can we resurrect the corpse of Pasolini?
 

First–person perspective from the Lawnmower's POV as it vrooms across the grass to Danny Elfman–style "baroom-pa boomp-pa-oom-pa boomp-pa..." 😆

Rampop II wrote:

crumbsroom wrote:

I definitely want a proper adaptation of The Lawnmower Man. But definitely not Tim Burton

Can we resurrect the corpse of Pasolini?
 

Why not both? They'd be stylistically disparate enough, and Burton doing Lawnmower Man is such a hilarious combo I have to stretch my brain to imagine it.
But I can hear Danny Elfman's score accompanying the mower–cam. That alone makes me laugh. It would have to be a comedy.

But let's face it: a faithful adaptation of Lawnmower Man would be a challenge for any filmmaker. It's been decades since I read it so correct me if I'm mistaken, but I don't recall Lawnmower Man being a "feature length" kind of story.

It's not much of a story, but it is it's mix of impressionistic strangeness, but rendered so simply (King clearly built the whole story around a single image, ie naked kid crawling around on a lawn and eating grass) that I've always loved it. It's a formative piece of narrative for me, as was Gray Matter from the same collection (man drinks contaminated beer and becomes a blob). Total nonsense but dealt with seriously. Exactly my jam.

It's why I would want a serious director to tackle it. And Pasolini was a very serious director who could also court the grotesque and the unexplainable.

Burton, on the other hand, is like somebody who plays with darkness but always has a fairy tale whimsical buffer to make it palatable. No thanks. And it doesn't help that I find most of his films completely immobile due to the curse of that abundant imagination of his. Nothing escapes it. He form fits everything into this Goth worldview and nothing breathes. Everything suffocates to death on the screen.

Basically I only want European zombies tending to my terrible Stephen King short story adaptations

Rock wrote:

Rampop II wrote:

Enemy of the People
I just think this tale is absolutely perfect for our time. The public vilification of an unbiased (and socially awkward) health official for trying to sound the alarm over a looming threat. I dare say this one NEEDS to happen.

There is an adaptation of this by Satyajit Ray from 1989. Well worth a watch. Definitely one of my more timely and infuriating viewings from early in the pandemic.

Well then I'm definitely checking that out. Thanks for the rec. 
And I'm diggin' that Jesse Green.